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Chamomile

by Ahnom

supported by
Kevin Haynes
Kevin Haynes thumbnail
Kevin Haynes Poetic and altruistic in a way that brings that Sunday morning vibe to your sensibilities at the same time that it puts a beat in your step. Chill and poignant. Like a cup o' chamomile.
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1.
I am not at the top, not even at the base/ But behind me looking down I'm seeing shit I had to face/ I'm looking down this chasm filled with hazards but I handled that/ My life's been ample with those struggles it's my habitat/ Hands are cracked, callused from the pain that I have handed back/ from savage acts of ones who tried to kill me, now I'm laughing at/ em, whippin' round the city out in philly in a cadillac/ Bumpin' Living Proof, I'm good, shoot I can't be mad at that/ matter fact, damn, so this is what the surface like?/ This is where I start to lead a much more meaning purposed life/ This is so far from the hell in which I learned and earned my stripes/ And now I can heal from wounds where my former friends had turned the knife/ , and I just wanna turn the page/ Absolve myself from grudges that I'd take into my grave/ And focus on myself and what, imma make that's mine/ In the distance is this mountain that I have yet to climb/ But first I gotta let it go/ There's some things, I gotta let em' go/ First I gotta let it go Let it go, let it go/ Breathe deep and just let it go/ I've never felt this, I've never felt this/ way, it's got me feeling selfish, to have so much control/ From down within my soul to the top in my cerebellum/ I mean I got so many options it's, hella overwhelmin/ Do I, start to build a home? God knows that I deserve it/ And I know that I have earned it, but I see now that deep down/ The place I'll go to rest from stress is yet to be determined/ 'cause It's not enough for me to climb from hell and reach the surface/ Maybe, I wanna suffer more, I wanna struggle more/ Been fighting for so damn long my soul is only up for war/ it's so habitual to be so bitter though/ For me to move from my resentment s'what I wanna make this music for/ It's got me this far but it's dangerous to do/ You're bound to be burnt out by using anger as your fuel/ So I intend to make amends with what's been driving all my actions/ And enjoy the fruit I've come to bear from everything that's happened/
2.
Isolation 04:25
Posted in my driver's seat, staring at the ceiling fabric/ Trynna keep warm and convince myself that I ain't never need a mattress/ surrounded by these fiends and addicts, we both need to feed our habits/ but a fairly silent night as I clench my jaw or else my teeth'll chatter/ Fist clenched, knuckles white, this troubled life I reimagine/ least I try, seems that I, can only bring myself to see the sadness/ My Mom had sought a better life for me/ And My momma's momma did the same for her/ been trapped in this vicious cycle we/ Can't seem to escape at all this cage of hurt/ I made this verse, to relieve the weight that makes me feel my brain'll burst/ But I think of days my name was cursed, days my worth they say/ is worse than cases caught by all the scum that live inside my place of birth/ The same scum, my day ones, that catch blame for who made me worse/ I've been avoiding self-reflection/ Don't want to remember what gave the deepest scars that I've been left with/ So I drink some more, then think some more/ Then I think some more, then sink some more/ Then I sink some more, can't drink no more/ So I just sink .... Sink, to the bottom, until I think that I can't sink no more/ but the bottom fell out and it's hot as hell now, these depths right here I'd never seen before/ And I'm overwhelmed, feelin' every little bit of all I've felt/ When I was small, no skill to protect my Mom from that fucking man, from then to now that shit haunts me still/ Of course I'm thinking bout my mom again/ I'm thinking bout my momma when/ She was so young, she's so young, and didn't know better/ Little tiny girl who would grip her sweater, rode here on a boat all while being told/ That she had a new home that's away from the war and that life from now on'd be better than ever/ And I was young like her, young like her/ When she tried not to look as she walked through blood, then went and crossed that red ocean/ Then I had crossed my own too, when that man had cracked her head open/ Now I'm all grown up, not a year went by where I'm not wishing death on him/ And pain for the staples that held her together, I'd never wish no less on him/ Headstone him with bare hands , I think about the shit often/ Hate in my heart, revenge on my mind, this that shit I get lost in/ Especially now on nights like this, where I drink like this, then write like this/ And I try to dust dry wall off my fists but it sticks to the blood that's thinned and drips/ I react too much with violence/ But it's followed me for so long and seems to go wherever I've been/ I'm in a place where I'm alone with my thoughts/ And the only thing that I own is the hate I hold in my heart/ The latest person I know who's being thrown to that part/ I should've had the foresight to treat em' cold from the start/ But now I sleep in my whip, this liquor lining my guts/ Wish I had a room with a bed, I ain't been inside one for months/ Wish I had left him for dead, your dog I shoudn't gave a fuck/ You'll be the last one that I let take advantage of trust/ I've been mishandled and damaged and then I landed in mud/ I cleaned myself up but even now I be covered in rust/ And you knew this, then what?, you struck me strongest at my weakest point/ So deceitful, couldn't keep you, fuck I thought that we were boys/ We were homies, the person that I shared a home with/ If only, I had known that knowing you would leave me homeless/ And I'm hoping you hope that you never see me again/ 'Cause if you do it's only hate and I ain't keeping it in/ Why's it gotta be the only good people I know/ Are no longer living, they ain't with me, they ain't keeping me whole/ I'm tired of new beginnings, I just wanna breathe through my nose/ and squeeze the trigger to release this shit that's deep in my soul/ And swims in my head, last night I wished I was dead/ The other night the same, I only seem to live with regret/ Who can I trust? No one. I'm alone when I walk/ But I've been getting so sick of being alone with my thoughts/
3.
Bridges 04:00
I'm tired of living with filth/ I've many dreams but seems only these nightmares are real/ I contemplate how I could make a change in my reality/ Then back to dirt, to being dragged inside this gravity/ My actuality is always surrounded by calamity/ And all these addicts, who sit idly and dreamless/ But in the back of their minds there might be hiding a genius/ If only, they had the fire to spend more time to reveal it/ Instead, they only keep it up inside of their heads/ While any light of theirs they shine is put to a pipe, and I dread/ I might be going down the same way/ I'm trynna go down a different path in life but, all they do is say stay/ I'm trynna change things, move from the past/ And those who say they want the same latch onto my back/ they're dragging me down, keeping this reality real/ I needa look at them and say I'm tired of living with filth/ I'm dousing bridges with this gasoline/ And this fire shines a light that I haven't seen/ I hope it guides my way I hope it guides my way As the flames are burning high/ I'm finally seeing now just where the surface lies/ The smoke'll guide my way/ The smoke'll guide my way/ You can miss me with that bullshit/ Quit your yappin,' little homie's only looking foolish/ Nuisance. You want my two cents?/ You should stick your neck out but then put it where that noose is/ Deuces. peace, nice to know ya/ Said to be a beast when you be crying over no one/ Coming up to me then you gon' fail to find a shoulder/ I'm like ayatollah, rest in the sky, the cloud's my sofa/ Above the clouds, I know that's where I wanna be/ But people right in front of me are trynna go and front on me/ Like, Sean, I can't believe you're leaving/ But I know that they're deceiving and their misery loves company/ The same ones that claim they loyal to the core/ But stealing other peoples fires the way they keeping themselves warm/ So I'm cold, calling death to all the ones that only hold me back/ Then looking past, can't stop to give a fuck on how they gon' react/ I'm dousing bridges with this gasoline/ And this fire shines a light that I haven't seen/ I hope it guides my way I hope it guides my way As the flames are burning high/ I'm finally seeing now just where the surface lies/ The smoke'll guide my way/ The smoke'll guide my way/ You can miss me with this bullshit/ Angles changed and tables turned, and now I'm seen as ruthless?/ I'm wiping off my palette, clearing everything thats useless/ But if painted as a villain then I'm proud to be the culprit/ Seems the ones who deal the most wrongs are the first/ To cry foul the worst of who I write these rhymes 'bout/ So It's time I'll, tell em' pipe down, and hush hush/ You sus fuck, go hang your head low and die... now/ I'm the one who's, trynna escape/ Find me a place, that's high up in the sky to create/ While, you might also share some similar dreams/ But won't commit to a thing, unless it fits in your schemes Or, is handed to you, but ain't that embarrassing?/ to make it to a new place but, you were only carried in/ I'm cutting off dead weight, all this carrion/ With the same hatchet that I said that I was burying/
4.
Calluses 03:27
I miss your voice before the emphysema/ before you hit that pipe that goes and stains your teeth up/ calluses from the frets of your guitar/ replaced by burns by cigarettes behind the bar/ And you would wake up with no make up/ And now we find you on the floor with your face caked up/ And, they say you look great/ they tell you what you wanna hear but never ever state what they should say/ nah they ain't your friends baby,you know it right?/ they just come around when it's not a sober night/ Lay up on your couch then they snort up all your white/ Which you bought from them come on miss, you know the type/ Never not around it so you'll take another hit/ With friends like that, I don't think you're gonna quit/ Just like the movies, yeah, you love that shit/ she's having too much fun I don't think she's gonna quit/ I'm thinking back to when you first started using/ and the way that you changed when under the influence/ how you pulled that dress off, I will admit/ you slimmed down, your lips smiled stained with tints of red/ while you move your hips now without innocence/ For men who sip cristal and dance with ill intent/ and that twinkle in your eye began to shine a different glint/ No longer impressed by the simple shit/ man, we used to watch flicks and blow herb/ late nights at your pad, just chill with no words/ and to top it off you were just as fun sober/ type of woman that i'd introduce to old earth/ Nowadays, you say I'm so boring/ And disappear into the next room/ Taste the drip while outside it's pouring/ And leave to find more people like you Seems like you only hit up my phone/ To ask me for cash to get at that coke/ I gave in a couple 'cause I heard some talk/ when you can't afford the blow you settle for some rock/ I'm just a number you call when you use people/ And make em' justify the lesser of two evils/ Goddammit you've changed/ You've become so numb to the ones who cant handle the pain/ Of witnessing, your outward appearance/ reflecting your newfound habits and inner demons/ sunken cheeks that hardly contain your teeth in/ Baggy eyes that daydream of dreaming/ Paper skin and an open mouth that spits/ with a nerveless tongue speaking in broken promises/ They're still seeking a soul in all of this/ They still keep their hope but I'm not convinced/
5.
I had to leave and take a walk tonight/ In my head right now not all is right/ I took a second not to think about you/ Just to see this mess I am, how stressed I am/ I guess I am, not just neglected by you/ But also most often myself and the others I feel lesser than/ You smoke, I don't, the love I get is second hand/ You never told be a better man/ You said that I was perfect for you/ And that used to mean a lot to me/ But I'm seeing now, that is such an insult/ To be the one for someone who enjoys watching me sulk/ And seeing me, on my knees begging please these results/ Are bespoke of one who never thought of life without you/ I never saw a life without you/ But I add it everyday to the things that I'll do/ Maybe tomorrow, I'll do it all, maybe tomorrow/ But sometimes I don't wanna see tomorrow/ Maybe tomorrow, I'll wanna see tomorrow/ I'll wanna breathe from out of, these two lips/ that sip drips of whiskey left from bottles/ That are empty, hollow, just like me when I'm settled onto/ All my problems unsolved. I'm to my neck in sorrows/ I'm hoping maybe tomorrow, the guillotine'll swing/ it'll give me inner peace. Been thinking of leaving it to me/ But I have fear of the beyond and which deity I'll see/ But maybe tomorrow, I can turn into a ghost/ And get to be with ones I know loved me the most/ And maybe... why's it always maybe tomorrow?/ Maybe tomorrow, I'll at least say maybe today/ Then maybe cut the ties from all the things that made me this way/ I hate when I say, maybe tomorrow, so I'm saying today/ I'm gonna change, but it's already late/ Already sick and tired from life, and all that I drank/ So maybe tomorrow/,
6.
Reveries 03:13
Finally my eyes open, I was hoping/ To see the light of day but noticed it was still night/ I lay, strangely, on the floor, while staring at the ceiling/ Trynna make some sense up out this evening, shaking out this feeling/ That, everything feels different, I stand up/ Light-headed, put my hands up and wipe my face, trynna think/ of everything I did, how much I drank/ or was there something with my weed that has me feeling out of place?/ I take a breath in, looked over to my desk and/ Saw my pen and pad that's dripping ink, which made me question/ Did I really get that lit while I was trynna unwind?/ And fell asleep at my desk while I was writing some rhymes?/ Again I'm wiping my eyes, so I can read what I had penned/ Imagine my surprise to find that every time I blinked/ What was scribbled down with ink, would change again and again/ Damn, this shit is trippy, I leave my room to get me/ some fresh air, instead my door lead to a familar room/ Filled with sounds of music and the scent of perfume/ Then I saw her, she was sipping on rye/ She placed her lips on mine it tasted like, whiskey and lime/ I knew that this was in my head and all was not what it seemed/ When I heard the radio play Radio by Emily King/ The end of 2016, and I'm still having these dreams/ About the last bit of time I got to spend with Ms. Heather Greene/ I blinked and she was gone again, I looked around/ To see just where is it now that my mind has taken me while wandering/ It seems I've fallen in, a place inside my mind/ Where exists no space and time, just, people that I miss/ I see my big homie from back since we were little kids/ Chillin' by his silver celica always parked outside his crib/ "You look the same." "And you're looking old."/ First words we exchanged before walking up the road/ and taking a stroll down, memory lane/ Homie, ever since you died, man, my head ain't the same/ My heart is so heavy, and my sleep patterns changed/ I hate, going back home and sometimes hearing your name/ And seeing all the trash n' broken glass in the same alley way/ That we'd always ride our bikes down when we would go out play I've thought about you a lot, just wanted to say/ That I wish I was there that night your shooter took you away/ Not that I coulda changed anything, I've come to accept that/ Death's grasp was your fate and I could never bring your breath back/ I just wish the reason's different for why you might've died/ I just wish I could have been close to you and by your side/ I wish I was there for you, no reply/ You stare back at me with these empty and open eyes/ That silence hurts my soul more than you'll ever know 'cause/ I can never imagine how you'd reply when I never said goodbye/ Every time I dream of you, it ends with frozen silence/ It all turns to nightmares and I wish for open eyelids/ To stop me from seeing, what always comes next/ Those bullets enter and exit from the side of your neck/
7.
Missing You 04:13
What up homie? Been a minute since I've been over what you told me/ About pain, about glory, I would always listen closely/ But I took the lessons that you taught and wrote a different story/ 'Cause I'm grown now. What you on now/ since you lost out helping me be a man even when I fall down?/ It's one of those days where my night's been disturbed/ I awaken choked up and my sight is a blur/ And I think about the night you left life premature/ Only 18. You used to blaze trees/ Record like your lungs and liver, nah, they really ain't clean/ But you and I were two of the same breed/ I don't think a better person could've made me/ Two youngsters raised by new mothers/ Who never got the chance to find a man who'd love us/ But, rather get the kind of man who was too rough and/ I was just too small at the time to do something/ Fact remains, what I am today/ Might not've happened if you hadn't passed away/ We knew you for your temper, with your hands we'd say/ my homie packed a jab just like Cassius Clay/ So putting hands on his mother was a bad mistake/ My man with the hands imbued another view/ To be a man if you put hands on my beloved few/ My dude, I'm telling you right now we're missing you/ Always know all the homies are missing you Yeah your cousin right now she missing you/ Your moms you already know she's missing you I really hope this is something you'll listen to/ Best believe I'll always be missing you/ I know now I could never make it right/ But till the day I die I'll remember you for life/ What up homie? I'm kinda different now/ I've calmed down, grown up, and took a different route/ Not the scrapper that you knew, man my fists are down/ And I hope with what I say you can listen proud/ My life ain't sizing up and fighting punks/ lighting blunts and mixing up codeine inside my cup/ Ain't messing with them pills, can't say I tried them once/ or rolling out in someone's whip and getting caught driving drunk/ The lifestyle which you had adhered / would have me drop what I earned and I would lose my career/ and I question if my current obligations/ would deter you taking pride in the friend that you have taken/ But I wonder,what you be saying half the time / would you still be saying now? Would it still apply?/ Are you still 18? Are there things you haven't tried?/ Have you aged at all? Do you grow old in the afterlife?/ I gotta say I'm not sure how I'm thinking of ya/ Are you still my father figure or my little brother?/ Either way from the bottom of my heart/ Imma thank you for instilling things that my Father never taught/ like You always told me it's fine to be emotional/ To remember I write and let emotions go/ And until we have each other's back again/ So in your memory I'm my Mother's champion/ My dude, I'm telling you right now we're missing you Always know all the homies are missing you Yeah your cousin right now she missing you/ Your moms you already know she's missing you/ I really hope this is something you'll listen to/ Best believe I'll always be missing you/ I know now I could never make it right/ But till the day I die I'll remember you for life/
8.
Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love. And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said: When love beckons to you follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. When we had broken up I said that you were dead to me/ I wanna eat my words and choose em' more carefully/ But you took them with you down below, buried deep/ I'm awake in pain, while you rest in peace/ And your pretty face is something that I'll never see/ Shit, I'm thinkin' bout these things that I'll never see/ How I'll never have you back as a friend to me/ Never see another show with you next to me/ Walking down the aisle, in your wedding dress and me/ In my chair, smilin, trynna hide my jealousy/ Looking back, laughin while we grow elderly/ I'm awake in pain, while you rest in peace/ What you left behind, it don't rest in me/ Too recent to dismiss it as a memory/ A lack of rest, from choosing what you meant to me/ I was in love with you, my worst enemy/ When I first moved here, when I was in my youth/ Before I called this home, before I put down my roots/ Before every heartbreak that helped define me/ by turning into lessons that came to me so timely/ Before I likely, become who I might be, bring those up who stood right beside me/ Before your burial, there was you/ The first I met in a place now unbearable/ I swear, I've seen your ghost on the road at night/ You follow me home and when I go to close my eyes/ I feel cold then you show yourself a glowing light/ New form, new shape, but it's no surprise/ 12 years, for 12 years I'd known you/ Saw all the looks and, phases that you'd go through/ Eyes changed colors when leaves turned to gold you/ felt like a new person every time I'd hold you/ Now you're something that I can't hold/ At the same time you make my heart heavy/ And unsure, of just how to remember you/ 'Cause I remember you with baby bangs and overalls/ listening to older songs in grade school, strolling halls/ with homework and texts books clasped inside of both your arms/ I remember when we had our first kiss/ You floated to my lips and I felt your legs lift/ But I wish, that one day I could forget/ The day I cursed your name and, wished we'd never met/ That morning I saw you, for the last time/ You stayed the night but walked out from the room that wasn't mine/ and then I felt like I wanted to die/ You brought back all the feelings I had of suicide/ that I worked so fucking hard to put aside, you and I/ me and him, would never be the same again/ I never wanna feel that shame again/ And I said I never wanna see your face again/ but now I wish I could see you just, one last time/ And honestly, I don't know what I'd say/ I loved you, I hated you, it changes everyday/ I don't think I'll ever know exactly what you meant to me/ but one thing's for certain I know how much you meant to me/ It almost cost me everything/
9.
I have this, old way of thinking of which, came to myself a toxin/ I've been trynna find my antidote in a bottle, inside a lozenge/ but it's inside myself, inside of every place that I've been/ I've been taking it in while moving through all this personal hell in silence/ Eyelids, heavy from thinking of all the things that I wish that I did/ I de-nied myself all the joy that I could've been making writing/ And my excuses were what? That I been living up out of my trunk? Hanif went through the same shit and tshh, he's dope as fuck/ So, I gotta sober up and move to put this bottle down/ and face that change might be the hardest pill to swallow now/ I gotta cut the ties that had me bound to ones/ that can't exist, I found they've only put these shackles on my wrists/ And now, I can't live like that and I can't live that way/ I need to make my own rather than be given fate/ I need to find it in myself for me to persevere/ Then fill my well of inspiration with my blood, sweat, and tears/ (I don't mind) So I dont mind everything that's happened or will/ It only gives me strength inside both of my hands to rebuild/ (Borrowed time) Borrowed time until I collected a debt/ But now I'm making all my own without no qualms or regrets/ (Rain or shine) Rain or shine, I'm fine being in both/ The good and bad I hold to heart and I'm keeping them close/ Then I'll... (Make it shine) Like the stars above/ (I'm only living for the hour That I see your face And when that happens I dont, wanna be no other place) I used to be like that, but I can't live that way/ I used to wanna wait for you until the end of days/ But I can't be like that, and I can't live that way/ I'm not there anymore, I'm in a different place/ I'm in a place where I, find myself alone/ and I'm tired to my bones, while I'm, writing out these songs/ Reminiscing on ones who survived when they tried to fire chrome/ But the ones that we had lost, oh how I cried when they were gone/ How I cry for lives cut short they were trying to atone/ but inside these rhymes and poems they shine a light upon my soul/ And let me know, that everything I've been through/ has been so instrumental, for when I shine and make this pen move/ And keeping me needing to be who I am in by breathing inside of this tempo/ When I feel like I'm fading, I heal with a day in by writing out what I just let go/ and I be stressed though, but it's all good, for once it's by my own choice/ By breaking this heart, I'm making this art, and through all of it that's the whole point/ I think that maybe I've been living for this moment/ To brave these winds and torrents and then bring to you my opus/ through spoken rhyming, I found my own alignment. Soul is shining/ From completing this goal of mine of turning all this coal to diamonds/ So I dont mind everything that's happened or will/ It only gives me strength inside both of my hands to rebuild/ I borrowed time until I collected a debt/ But now I'm making all my own without no qualms or regrets/ Now, Rain or shine, I'm fine being in both/ The good and bad I hold to heart and I'm keeping them close/ And Then I'll make it shine, make it shine like what? (Make it shine) Like the stars above/ I used to be like that, but I can't live that way/ I used to wanna wait for you until the end of days/ But I can't be like that, and I can't live that way/ I'm not there anymore, I'm in a different place/ I used to be like that, but I can't live that way/ I used to wanna wait for you until the end of days/ But I can't be like that, and I can't live that way/ I'm not there anymore, I'm in a different place/
10.
My grandfather, Laotian general Met a school teacher which gave a drip of poetic soul/ to future children but war around it would let it never grow/ but it flourished inside of me, most artistic they'd ever known/ Let me dig through my components while I write this shit/ 'cause it's been a minute since I've gone over analyzed my shit/ Busy being the future of my fam that I am wireless/ I've lost connection with them, not clear on pieces that I've equipped/ My fam sailed overseas on a fucking boat/ tired of being woken up by explosions that clutch your soul/ Shake you up, make you run, if you quick, tuck and roll/ to be greeted by men with machetes with steel that touch your throat/ Out of the pan and into the fire/ To know and truly understand is my single desire/ When I feel close to my fam it only gets me inspired/ and helps me find a way to be a man who's gon' live for tomorrow/ Out of the fire and into the elements/ is where I found myself, and the cold is as hellish and/ I'm wiping off this dirt, and the soot and the sediment/ Strength in both my shoulders that be carrying elephants/ I'm embellished with reminders of my heritage/ and all the wisdom that I hope I won't simply be buried with/ but rather, passed down to, members of my lineage/ who needa draw strength in all the ways in which that he had lived/ The way my grandpa lived/ I spilled my own blood today/ It's the last time, I let it go to waste/ Because I know where it comes from/ My blood, I know where it comes from I tasted my own blood tonight/ It gave strength, to get me through that fight/ From a soldier to his grandson/ That's from where my blood's from/ And I've been tracing down my bloodline/ hearing all the stories of my grandpa on them front lines/ Tales told, by my mother, planes flown, bombs dropped/ nonstop, mortar smoke, blocking out the sunshine/ That same sun, I look for when the pain comes/ and helps to fortify just what I need to see the day won/ The things my grandpa went through in that path of violence I need to take it in and breathe I need to close my eyelids/ Sweet silence for my pa-tu/ I got the news this morning that this world has lost you/ That first verse I wrote about 4 years ago/ I'm trynna finish this song for you before more tears'll flow/ And maintain, you didn't fight for nothing/ Swearing by the name I carry through you I'll be something/ strong like you, live my life to honor you/ and go by your example when I choose to be a father too/ And think of what of you, trickles down to me/ to help in what I'm going through and where I'm bout to be/ I swear, you didn't fight for me to be so cold and homeless/ Alone and hopeless, I wrote this just so you could notice/ that I went through some shit, but it's so close to over/ ...And I'll be moving forward/ Finally free, not bound or tethered/ and I put it on our name, that, 'imma do better/ I spilled my own blood today/ It's the last time, I let it go to waste/ Because I know where it comes from/ My blood, I know where it comes from I tasted my own blood tonight/ It gave strength, to get me through that fight/ From a soldier to his grandson/ That's from where my blood's from/
11.
Debt Paid 02:22
It's been a while since I looked at myself/ That, look at the mirror, ask what's good for your health/ That, wonder what is was you did to yourself/ to make you live your life and go from all that sickness to wealth/ Love was something that I thought that I couldn't afford/ but when I started writing lyrics then I booked to record/ it's like my shoulders softened, felt fully restored/ and had faith again that maybe I was good in my core/ I found, carrying the world's weight left me stressed out something that I let down, then told myself, flex now/ And look, at all you can hold/ Stopped worrying about things I can't control/ 'cause, that takes a lot of space/ and is the cause for a lot of heart break and a lot of aches/ But in my arms now are only things worthy of love/ paid for by giving up everything that hurt me enough/ the price of love It's been quite the journey, been through some things some say might've hurt me, but I still stand upright/ Though this one life we have can often be a tough fight,/ I'm hurling what it throws back until I get my throne back/ and I'll be looking at my legacy then say I own that/ Every bit of it, every piece of it/ Every bitter part I've savored and it's sweetnesses/ Strengths and weaknesses. Me and steez with it/ saw what was needed then he went to chop and sequence it/ And now we deliver a product of our art/ that of which came to you all from the bottoms of our heart/ but couldn't have been made if only I'd just thought it from the start/ If it weren't for these struggles these words wouldn't exist/ I wouldn't have the grit to stay strong, couldn't persist/ So if you relate at all in your own times of suffering/ then these struggles that we go through, it meant something/ not for nothing
12.
Promises 05:07
I missed a couple weeks where I would take some time to call you/ just know I ain't forget, to you I'll be forever loyal/ Don't trip and let that trigger all that guilt in your heart/ You may think differently, to me though you were there from the start/ My first breath, first steps, first love, first engagement/ You had screamed the loudest on my first graduation/ First memory was when you picked me up from off that pavement/ I wouldn't be here if you hadn't brought me to creation/ This song is for my mother. A legend, if you met then/ it's a blessin and no wonder why I stress so hard I love her/ Through my sickness and my hunger, ma, you would provide/ Through pain and struggles that would come up, ay I knew we would ride/ Said I'd match your strength one day and ay, you were so right/ Through the darkness that I brave I'm keeping you as my light/ You might've missed a couple years of mine as I was growing up/ but your love was never missing nah you're always showing up/ because you Made a promise that you would return/ And make up for these moments that burned/ Made a promise that you would be back/ And love me for who I was no matter how I'd react/ Made a promise that you would be here/ Even when you were away and when you couldn't be near/ And you made sure that our paths would collide/ She kept all her promises, this mother of mine/ Woman born from fire, to this boy she gave birth/ with a temperment that resonated deep within the Earth/ From the dirt, I grew, she didn't think it matched my worth/ From her warmth, I bloomed, to make this art that I exert/ Quite different, you and I, maybe the apple flew far/ but seed's roots grew akin to the tree that you are/ I remember growing up hearing we're nothing alike/ Introverted little person, guess I wasn't the type/ to speak my mind like you often would to everyone in your sight/ be it with your friends or ones that you'd run up on and fight/ Heard some stories bout my momma, how she'd go and climb up trees/ Tiny soldier her face paint matched her father's fatigues/ Fought your siblings hunger pains and their fear when the thunder came/ while setting an example, so I guess it really wasn't strange/ that they knew exactly what to do for me/ when you put me in their care and you had to leave/ before you Made a promise that you would return/ And make up for these moments that burned/ Made a promise that you would be back/ And love me for who I was no matter how I'd react/ Made a promise that you would be here/ Even when you were away and when you couldn't be near/ And you made sure that our paths would collide/ She kept all her promises, this mother of mine/ I'm 27 now, and just finding myself/ A couple words that I'd use when I'm describing myself/ Well to get specific, self sufficient even through a hellish living/ I find I can survive without a guide and no help/ I must've picked it up from hearing stories of you/ It seems the more we have in common with the older I grew/ I often ask myself in situations, what would you do?/ It's somethin' that's considered when I face these moments of truth/ I don't count you as a guide 'cause you're ingrained inside my person/ and ever since that happened my position's rarely worsened/ I feel I'm getting to the to top, so momma thanks a lot/ Saying sorry for what you put me through is something you should stop/ Just be at ease and know there's nothing more you can prove/ and help my sister grow to something as becoming as you/ I'll see y'all soon, I turned in my request in for December/ For now just listen to this song I hope helps you remember/ that you... Made a promise that you would return/ And make up for these moments that burned/ Made a promise that you would be back/ And love me for who I was no matter how I'd react/ Made a promise that you would be here/ Even when you were away and when you couldn't be near/ And you made sure that our paths would collide/ She kept all her promises, this mother of mine/
13.
I don't even know your name or even what you look like/ Met you inside of juvi, they took me from that good fight/ Though your role was brief I think it taught me how to do right/ Compared to what it could be ay, I think I lead a good life/ So how do I, go to show appreciation/ when I lack the knowledge of your face and other information/ All I know about you s'that you had this energy/ that always soothed me mentally combined inside your empathy/ The other staff would only come by to talk shit to me/ but you defended me and made sure that it wouldn't get to me/ They broke my glasses when they dropped me down and cuffed me/ Disgusted when I told you, then you said I'm just unlucky/ Made sure that I knew that I'm not a bad kid by any means/ and I could do anything and I deserved everything/ You knew I didn't belong, convinced me that I didn't either/ I still think of you sometime, my missing teacher/ I'm a little cold but I've warmed up with you/ I'm a little cold but I've warmed up with you/ On the note of missing teacher, shout out Mr. Meagher/ I'm hoping life's been good and someday I can go and reach ya/ Show you what I'm up to, tell you bout my goals/ that I prolly wouldn't have if you hadn't played a role/ and taught me how to cope, before you I ain't know/ how to take the steps to keep on nourishing my soul/ Taught me how to manage stress, roll with life and laugh with it/ That it's less about the pain but what you're choosing after it/ I wanna show the weight I lost, from my waist/ and shoulders too, and show that I healed all my open wounds/ I hope you know it's true, my life I owe to you/ I'd met you when I wanted my casket closed too soon/ And here I sit so grateful, to you I wanna wish well/ as I sip my morning tea while I'm reading ishmael/ Once a taker but I work to be a leaver/ I believe I'm where I'm at with some help from mr. meagher/ I'm a little cold but I've warmed up with you/ I'm a little cold but I've warmed up with you/ It's almost like you've opened curtains/ And brought a light inside I always wanna be immersed in/ It helps to see what's in front of me that's truly worth it/ I hope you know you make me wanna be a better person/ I hope you know, that I truly do look up to you/ Me and a couple others who give thanks to what you've come to do/ I look at you and all the acts you do are beautiful/ My heart feels warmer when you make me feel the feelings mutual/ For you to say that you see the good in me/ I feel I've made the best choice in who I choose to be/ I feel like I've been making all the right moves/ 'cause if I wasn't I don't think that I'd ever find you/ I'm glad we crossed paths even for a brief time/ Glad you're a part of this Earth and also these rhymes/ When you leave and it's time for you to go/ I'll be happy I shared time with this person that I know/ I'm a little cold but I've warmed up with you/ I'm a little cold but I've warmed up with you/
14.
I don't even know your name or even what you look like/ Met you inside of juvi, they took me from that good fight/ Though your role was brief I think it taught me how to do right/ Compared to what it could be ay, I think I lead a good life/ So how do I, go to show appreciation/ when I lack the knowledge of your face and other information/ All I know about you s'that you had this energy/ that always soothed me mentally combined inside your empathy/ The other staff would only come by to talk shit to me/ but you defended me and made sure that it wouldn't get to me/ They broke my glasses when they dropped me down and cuffed me/ Disgusted when I told you, then you said I'm just unlucky/ Made sure that I knew that I'm not a bad kid by any means/ and I could do anything and I deserved everything/ You knew I didn't belong, convinced me that I didn't either/ I still think of you sometime, my missing teacher/ I'm a little cold but I've warmed up with you/ I'm a little cold but I've warmed up with you/ On the note of missing teacher, shout out Mr. Meagher/ I'm hoping life's been good and someday I can go and reach ya/ Show you what I'm up to, tell you bout my goals/ that I prolly wouldn't have if you hadn't played a role/ and taught me how to cope, before you I ain't know/ how to take the steps to keep on nourishing my soul/ Taught me how to manage stress, roll with life and laugh with it/ That it's less about the pain but what you're choosing after it/ I wanna show the weight I lost, from my waist/ and shoulders too, and show that I healed all my open wounds/ I hope you know it's true, my life I owe to you/ I'd met you when I wanted my casket closed too soon/ And here I sit so grateful, to you I wanna wish well/ as I sip my morning tea while I'm reading ishmael/ Once a taker but I work to be a leaver/ I believe I'm where I'm at with some help from mr. meagher/ I'm a little cold but I've warmed up with you/ I'm a little cold but I've warmed up with you/ It's almost like you've opened curtains/ And brought a light inside I always wanna be immersed in/ It helps to see what's in front of me that's truly worth it/ I hope you know you make me wanna be a better person/ I hope you know, that I truly do look up to you/ Me and a couple others who give thanks to what you've come to do/ I look at you and all the acts you do are beautiful/ My heart feels warmer when you make me feel the feelings mutual/ For you to say that you see the good in me/ I feel I've made the best choice in who I choose to be/ I feel like I've been making all the right moves/ 'cause if I wasn't I don't think that I'd ever find you/ I'm glad we crossed paths even for a brief time/ Glad you're a part of this Earth and also these rhymes/ When you leave and it's time for you to go/ I'll be happy I shared time with this person that I know/ I'm a little cold but I've warmed up with you/ I'm a little cold but I've warmed up with you/
15.
To my sister Maggie Rose/ I'm glad we've gotten closer and our momma says it shows/ Our family had some trials where it seems we'd fall apart/ but I wanna tell you now (with all my heart)/ that I'll be around, as a brother or friend whichever one you need me as, since you and I are seeing past only being half siblings, you're my sis'/ I'll fully love til' the end. Don't ever hesistate to call/ or send a text to my line, I promise you and guarantee/ you'll always get a reply, brightest smartest coolest little woman/ helping me thrive, and also keeping me inspired/ that's what's getting me by, I love ya (with all my heart)/ I'm showing love to your father too/ Calling you my step-dad, I don't bother to/ From day one you've seen me like I am your son/ then patiently earned my respect that in time would be won/ Our relationship was rocky when it might've begun/ to now honored as a father with the breath inside of my lungs/ It's been, quite a lot of ups and downs/ but I'm glad we've come together and, turned that right around/ From fighting everyday making weight that added pressure/ To pouring you a glass of wine and breaking bread together/ And you know how it go, two halves make a whole/ and I'm glad to have you both in a place I call home/ Thanks to the people who are my friends/ My mother says the same, her gratitude she extends/ I live, quite a far distance from a place where she can help me/ but she thanks you all with all her heart for keeping me so healthy/ I used to walk a path always alone/ wandering to a destination that was always unknown/ A vagabond without a purpose in this land I would roam/ but now I found a group of people who have welcomed me home/ Whether on the mats or life they help me up when I fall/ It's 2017 and they pick up when I call/ Who does that? Just the best people I know/ that I hope to keep inside in my heart and, deep in my soul/ And if you need me I will come to your side/ I'll do what I can for ones that I trust with my life/ And Mark Steez, I can't thank you enough/ You helped to push me toward this music when times became rough/ I live in a city where it's hard to be hard/ but you supplied the beats that gave voice to all of these words/ I also wanna thank you for the patience you kept/ A year longer than we planned, but I have no regrets/ We did it, it's finished, this album is done/ Thanks for helping ease my stress, I can finally move on/ Live a life where I've found myself happy and free/ I'm grateful for everything that's ever happened to me/ I almost forgot about you/ Which is so me, and is so you, too/ I haven't always treated you kind/ I take it out on you when I have a lot of things on my mind/ And I'm sorry, for all that I've said/ and all that I've done, they're my only regrets/ I hope you find time to maybe listen to this later/ You never liked my voice so if you don't then I don't blame ya/ But, just know, that these words that I wrote for you/ were grown from the ground soil then grew and I'm so loyal,/ To you, you recognized, I needed help then nurtured what I left inside, the self hate and guilt/ both those things you've rectified, and now I can say/ I'm stronger than I've ever been. and all because you spent your time/ to help me stand up and get back on my feet/ I thank you, and when I thank you and I thank me/
16.
Chamomile 05:55
I can't wait to go to sleep tonight/ I have a place to dream and get myself some needed peace and quiet/ No more nightmares, and no more parking lots/ No more draping towels around my face so I'll be hard to spot/ I used to talk a lot about being free/ not fully knowing what it means but knew for certain s'what I need/ So I've been evolving and making changes you can see/ Went from crawling on my knees to now, walking on my feet/ And I've been walking away, to where the pastures are green/ The same color as the aura that's embedded in me/ The same color of the glow from both her eyes when they gleam/ The same color as the cup in which I'm sipping my tea/ And these are some of the things I find are helping me rest/ Help me let go all the hurt I once held in my chest/ I'm taking a breath, prepared for what's next/ then pour myself another cup of what's been easing my stress/ Let's get it I've been on the search for all the things that'll feel/ like I just got home and I brewed myself a cup of chamomille/ All the things that let me leave it all behind/ and help me unwind while I find the peace inside my mind/ I've been on the search for all the things that'll feel/ like I just got home and I brewed myself a cup of chamomille/ I think I found those things/ so I'll be ready now for whatever tomorrow, brings/ Today has been a long day, but I got paid/ and now I chill at home writing rhymes while this song plays/ It's been a long week, for many days I've lost sleep but in the morning I keep going with these dreams that I keep/ It's been a long month, thought this all was gone but I found this fire reignited everything I lost once/ It's been a long 4 years of keeping things inside/ Found the strength to speak my mind and now my life's been redefined/ There's been a couple times where I didn't wanna do this shit/ Remember all the things that I was once crushed and ruined with/ Scared of the idea of of trying things differently/ Scared of being vulnerable. Scared of what you'd think of me/ But I've been building momentum down inside of this studio/ Every song I've finished I'm lifted up and I'm moving though/ And now this album's done and got me moving on/ and making room inside my heart to write some newer songs/ And I'm gone I've been on the search for all the things that'll feel/ like I just got home and I brewed myself a cup of chamomille/ All the things that let me leave it all behind/ and help me unwind while I find the peace inside my mind/ I've been on the search for all the things that'll feel/ like I just got home and I brewed myself a cup of chamomille/ I think I found those things/ so I'll be ready now for whatever tomorrow, brings/ I don't wanna see tomorrow/ Was once my state of mind on different paths that I had followed But now the future's something that I find I'm looking forward to/ Filled with aspirations and some things I really hope to do/ I'm hoping to do a couple things that might be overdue/ Cook some food up in my home, invite my friends both old and new/ Thank them all for rolling through then treat them to a bowl or two/ I'm hoping to, train again and win a sunday open too/ Met a woman that I think I could be closer to/ who kissed me like her lips themselves had came up with the golden rule/ Who really knows exactly what's in store for me?/ But this path I walk I've now filled with all my hopes and dreams/ And friends who lift me up and help me aim at the stars/ not knowing they themselves are stars that are so close in my reach/ And like I said, I can't wait to go to sleep tonight/ Tomorrow's gonna come and bring me things that will complete my life/ I've been on the search for all the things that'll feel/ like I just got home and I brewed myself a cup of chamomille/ All the things that let me leave it all behind/ and help me unwind while I find the peace inside my mind/ I've been on the search for all the things that'll feel/ like I just got home and I brewed myself a cup of chamomille/ I think I found those things/ so I'll be ready now for whatever tomorrow, brings/

about

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

This is an album about letting go of emotional baggage and making room for things that make you happy.

All revenue received through streaming, online purchases, and physical transactions will be donated to p;ear. They are a non profit based in Portland, OR that mentors homeless youth and helps strengthen their decisions for a better future. Like, share, enjoy and remember to make all the struggles you go through mean something.

credits

released August 8, 2017

Album art by Tony Mai and Kyle Vsetecka

Guest production from DJ Flip Flop, Lawz Spoken, TROX, Breezewax, and ValentineBeats

All other tracks produced by my biggest supporter and motivator Steez. Thank you for everything my friend.

All songs recorded, mixed and mastered by the amazing and PATIENT Zebulon Dak at Momentum Studios.

Big thank you to you all.

Thank you to Amanda Neve for opening their doors to me and finally giving me a solid place to plant my feet and finally pursue and finish this project.

Very special thanks to Lauren Johnson, Tatu, Sofia, Chris and Misha, Livie, Kyle Bower, Kirsti, Kevin, Dongle, Lacey Fey, JoJo, Erik, Michaela, Becky, Helen, Ashley, Justin, Tatu, Rob, everyone at RGA, everyone who has read through my terribly long texts and listened to me vent, everyone who inspires me and everyone who has made me feel like I'm at the happiest I've ever been in my life.

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Ahnom Portland, Oregon

Rap/Hip-Hop hobbyist. All revenue from my music will be going to charity.

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